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We might not know the secrets of the universe or why dropped toast always lands butter-down but we know a thing or two about partying. As the festive period looms over us, we have some sage words of wisdom that will help you navigate this minefield and come out the other side (relatively) unscathed.

If you like the idea of having a party in one of our pubs, click here and give us the once-over. But be quick, our diaries are filling up fast.

1. Be strategic with your time-off. Instead of taking off that no-man’s-land of time between Christmas and New Year, take a week off after the office Christmas party. That way, you can go wild at the party and everyone will have forgotten how you spent 30 minutes coercing Jan from accounts into a twerking contest by the time you come back. Plus, nothing happens after Christmas and before the New Year. See it as an opportunity to spend some quality time with Netflix with someone else paying for the heating bill

2. Yes, you gave in to temptation and succumbed to another pint/a second dessert/another bottle of wine and therefore consumed a week’s worth of calories in a day but you are going to be so much warmer than your skinny friends. It’s all about changing your mental perspective: forget “troublingly large intake of food and drink” and think “in-built, natural insulation”.

3. The perfect sickie takes thorough planning and preparation to perfectly execute. Let’s say you have a massive party planned for Thursday night, you need to start bedding in your illness on Tuesday morning. A couple of ooh-I’m-feeling-a-bit-rough-todays should do it — enough to establish the foundations but without peaking too soon. 2pm on Thursday should be the apex of your malady. Consider a dramatic stumble by the water fountain. Out of the office by 3pm, home by 4pm, ready to prep for your big night out and a Friday on the sofa is already in the bag. You’re welcome.

4. Something else you need to consider drip feeding is just how brassic you are to your loved ones with the aim of downgrading their expectations for presents. A hungover Challenge Anneka-style sprint around Oxford Street on 23rd December might well be the final blow to a bank balance already defiled by two months of partying. Of course you could draw up a 3-month spending plan, limit your number of nights out, take packed lunches to work and start your Christmas shopping months before the big day but that’s just no fun now, is it? Much better to keep dropping into conversation with your mum about how expensive the cost of living is nowadays.

5. NEVER leave the house without enough medication about your person to restock a branch of Boots. Paracetamol, Olbas Oil, Berocca, vitamin tablets, decongestant pills — these are your new best friends. Failing that, find your nearest Bloody Mary dispensary here. You will get through the next two months but not without preparation.

6. Better days are coming. There are days in your future where the nasal wailings of Mariah Carey won’t follow you wherever you go; days when you’ll see daylight not just through the grubby windows of your office. Hang on to this thought. Write it on post-it notes and litter your home with them.

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